Not yet...

So I'm not out of the stormy waters just yet. However, I do think I'm getting a better understanding of the things that are lifting me up and the things that are pulling me down. Now, it will be a matter of minimizing the experiences with the things that pull me down and maximizing the experiences that lift me up. It's hard, though, because I'm not exactly sure what minimizing the experiences with the things that pull me down means. Does it mean avoiding those things all together, trying to ignore them, trying to reconcile them, or something else. I've done a pretty good job increasing the experiences of things that lift me up, but when you still have some big things pulling you down, it feels like whenever you take one step up, you get pulled two steps back down.

There have been at least four or five times in the past three weeks when I've been overwhelmed and exhausted by the instability of all this and of myself. I've wanted to just come home and not have to fight to keep my balance here. However, the thing that is keeping me going is my belief that great beauty can come from great pain. And that beauty will never come if I just pack my bags and call it quits. I do believe that I'm being presented with an opportunity to transform my ability to love, my view of myself, my view of others, and my view of God. I just wish this transformation wouldn't take so long, and I wish I had a better idea of how to respond to the challenges being presented. At times, I'm overwhelmed with feelings of being lost and alone, and I am continually doubting and questioning myself.

Last night, with the help of an overseas friend, I came up with a small game plan for my next step. To be honest, I have no idea how it is going to go or if it's even the step I should be taking. Additionally, after this attempt, I'm not sure what other options there are for me. I'm just so tired of all this. I want to get back to being the regular me who feels comfortable, confident, secure, loved, and excited about life.