So this isn’t that easy. The pain of loneliness I sometimes feel is an overwhelming weight to bear. At times, I wonder what I’m doing here in Malawi. Why am I going through all of this just to be here?
Well, I felt called here. I felt there was some reason for me to come here. I still believe that; it’s just that I don’t yet see that reason. Maybe I will never see it. But I do believe it’s there. And I believe that the pain I’m feeling right now is a cross that is ripping open my heart, stretching it in a way that it never has been. Let me tell you, it hurts to be pulled like this. I really do have a hope, though, that all of this work is for something. I do believe that this stretching and pulling that hurts so much will leave my heart bigger than ever. I have hope that I will be able to share more love with the world after coming through this challenge successfully.
I can’t half-ass it, though. I have to pour my whole heart into it. It’s just so hard to open my heart up to new things when it still wants to cling so tightly onto old things. It’s a burning conflict in my heart, and I’m looking forward to the day when I rise above it. I just hope that day comes soon.
1 comment:
You might never know what your calling to be there is explicitly, but always remind yourself of the little reasons because as much as maybe you don't feel that you're making a huge impact on your students and those the you interact with at MIRACLE you are. Just acknowledging someone is a blessing in life and being there the way you are and teaching and being with all the people you come in contact with daily is a small blessing for you and all of them.
I know it must be really hard for you to have such an impersonal relationship with the students at Chaminade but when that is the culture and what those students expect even the warmth in your voice, smile, even just your general energy and vibe will affect them in ways you may never know. I know because I go through the same thought processes sometimes and then I'm reminded that as much as I sometimes don't believe and they have no idea until it would be about to happen my kids would miss me and be devastated if I was to leave.
You're doing amazing work you just have to remember that some things are more challenging for some people and that you are there for reasons that only apply to you specifically and while others might appear more comfortable they will have their own challenges and be making their own difference there that is totally unique to them as your's is to you.
This prob should have been an email, sorry. But I want you to know that I'm thinking of you.
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