Time To Change

So this week went pretty well. It definitely did not go without its fair share of stumbling blocks, and it also brought to the very forefront one of the most challenging leaps of faith I’ve ever faced. (When you see what that challenge is, you’ll see that the leaps of faith I’ve made in the past haven’t been that challenging. Nonetheless, this has been probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to let go of and put full trust in God.) In addition to that deep leap of faith, this week also brought a sense of peace that I haven’t since I was back in the States.

Last weekend I quite an experience in meeting the owner of a lakeside lodge/hotel who invited us to come visit him at his place, only to find he had his workers prepare a magnificent buffet of fish, chicken, and steak. We ate the dinner on a white-table cloth table, set out with fine china, on the beach looking out at the lake, which pears across to the mountains of southern Tanzania. The sun set behind us as we ate the dinner. As dinner finished, the owner began instructing one of his waiters to bring various drinks to our table and encouraged us to partake, “all on the house.” It got to the point where we said we had to drive home, so we could only take so much. It was at that point that he invited us to stay in some of his open rooms and to feel free to stay till the next morning. We took him up on it and had an enjoyable rest of the night. I had a lot of fun relaxing and hanging out with my community members. It was also really interesting to interact with this hotel owner who comes from a very wealthy family that is Malawi-born.

My weekend experience didn’t exactly end on a great note, though. I ended up getting very frustrated and jealous, and I got down on myself for feeling so. It took some conversations Sunday night and Monday night to get myself out of it. The conversation Monday night was intense, serious, scary, challenging, and ugly. As scary and ugly as it was, the resolutions I came away from it with are ones that I think I needed more than anything.

One of the major resolutions I came away with is that I can’t spend so much time focusing on, thinking about, and talking about the negative things I’m experiencing. I’ve been dwelling far too much on the things that bother me, the things that disappoint me, the things that frustrate me, the things that make me jealous, the things that make me feel bad about myself, and all of the other negative thoughts and feelings that have been rolling around in my head. I realized through some very honest and very challenging conversation that I’ve spent so much time thinking about and talking about the negative that I haven’t left room for living life. It was so hard to swallow, but it is true. And I’m tired of living that way. I want to be full of life again and rid of all this negativity. So, one of my new year resolutions is to dive full fledge into life. My new focus is on the people and activities that I can get involved with here. My goal is to come alive and be alive in every moment that I possibly can. I’ve wasted too much of the past five months being frustrated, feeling worthless, feeling lonely, feeling disrespected, feeling unwanted, and feeling insecure. I’m tired of it, and it’s time to change.

This past week, I’ve started with two wonderful things that are already giving me life. I’ve started a dance group at MIRACLE, one that I wish to also start and combine with Chaminade, and we had our first gathering and dance practice. It was a blast and totally life-giving! The second thing I got involved with is the choir at the Mass I go to each week here at Chaminade. One thing you should know is that the entire Mass is in vernacular: Chitumbuka. This means the songs too! Though I didn’t know the words to some of the songs, I could sing quickly enough with only a few of the songs, and I knew the meaning of virtually none of the songs, I loved it. I loved just being able to sing with people again, I loved how in just one day I already feel like I can hear and speak the language a good bit better, and I loved how I was mixed right in the midst with the people who live around me. I haven’t had enough of that last one at all during my time here. My hope is I can keep these positive things going, I can get involved with more positive things, and through all of these positive things, I can begin establishing the positive relationships I have been starved of during the past five months.

One of the other resolutions I came up with as a result of that ugly Monday night conversation is my need to stop focusing so much on just a few or just one relationship here. I’ve made a commitment to let go a bit of the relationships I’ve been depending on to make room for some new relationships that I haven’t been investing much into. As scary as it is to consciously decide to let go of the most supportive relationships I’ve had during my time here, I fully believe this is what I need. And as much as I don’t want to allow for some space in those relationships that I want to be closer than any other relationships, I have felt quite clearly called to do so. I think this is what I need right now. And luckily, in talking with those it affects, I have confidence that my relationships with them will remain. It’s just scary to let go of something you’ve been holding onto so tightly.

Lastly, I want to share with all of you the power of faith I have witnessed throughout this experience. For those of you who have known me, I’ve had a relatively strong faith since at least high school. Through this experience, I have been challenged to embrace that faith in a way I never have before, and I have been called to open myself to God more than I thought my spirit was able to do, more than I thought I’d ever be asked to. For the past few months, my spirit has been dead and dying. Now, I’m trying to place my trust more fully in God, and as scary as it is, as painful as it is, as difficult as it is, I do believe it will lead to new life. Though I’ve been in so much pain these past few months, by trying to let go of that pain and embrace what I know as love, I believe I am coming into a new life that is beyond the beauty of anything I’ve known. I praise God for the beauty and life that can grow out of this sometimes ugly, dark, and lonely world.

I’m going to end this here so that I can get back to being alive here. But before I go, I want to thank, once again, all of you who have extended your words of encouragement, shoulders (even if only virtual) to lean on, and prayers for renewal. This experience has been extremely difficult for me, but the encouragement, support, and prayers I have received are why I believe I’m beginning to come into the light. For this, I cannot thank you enough.

Thank you.