Recently, many of my posts have been pretty heavy. And let's be honest, sometimes, that heaviness just gets to be too much. And honestly, though this past week has brought some twists, turns, and troubles I wasn't necessarily anticipating, there are many things starting to look up. AND THAT IS GREAT NEWS!
So some things from the past week. We celebrated Chaminade day here at Chaminade Mission on Friday, January 23rd. Traditionally, Marianist Institutions celebrate a day in honor of Chaminade on January 22nd, the day of Chaminade's death. For practical reasons, we moved it to Friday. The day was filled with great fun and sharing. Our goal in planning this day was to bring the different parts of Chaminade Mission more closely together. There are three schools running on this campus: Chaminade Boarding School, Chaminade Open School, and MIRACLE Technical College. From what we've heard and observed, these three schools haven't spent much time interacting in the past few years, and there has been a clear space between students, staff, and members of each of the schools. We aimed Chaminade Day to be a day to bring all of this people together under the Family Spirit inspired by Chaminade.
The day went quite wonderfully, starting with small groups (we called them families) facilitated by various members of staff from each of the school and including a generous mixture of students from different grade levels, different schools, and different classes. The family time was followed by a skit and talk about Chaminade. The skit was quite hilarious; we've got some real characters here. Then we started a variety show with a number performed by us volunteers and the Marianist brothers. Molly, Sarah, and I choreographed a dance, which we then practiced with the brothers. We used the song ABC, by Michael Jackson, and it was a BLAST! We then shared Mass, all ate lunch together, dance in a disco, and ended the day with a football match between the two schools. Aside from a few gliches, and the fact that all of us volunteers were absolutely worn out, the day was a HUGE success. We are all looking forward to next year when we can get the teachers and staff more intimately involved in all of the activities.
Then, on Saturday, all of us volunteers wanted to cut loose a little bit so we went out to Planet K dot A, the dance club here in Karonga, and danced the night away. We all were pretty tired, so we didn't want to stay too far past midnight, but we didn't have to try to hard to cut the night off. Planet K dot A has mirrors on all of the walls, and a number of the mirrors are a little bit broken. In the euphoric state I usually find myself in when dancing, I failed to take enough caution and put enough distance between myself and one of the broken mirrors. With one quick shimmy, a thrust-filled shake, and a passionate swing of my arms, my elbow made direct contact with the corner of one of the broken mirrors. About 30 minutes earlier, Molly had done the same thing, but since she isn't quite as passionate of a dancer as I, her injury was not much more than a paper cut. I on the other hand, had gouged a chunk of my elbow skin out an was bleeding profusely. Consequently, our night of dancing was over, and we fled the scene before I could get my blood on anyone (minus the man who grabbed my forearm because he was upset that I had stopped dancing). All in all, it was a really fun night, and my cut isn't really that bad. I will have a cool scar to tell people I got from dancing, but it's not anything that a standard band aid can't cover well.
Then this week, four of the six community members in my house went down to Lilongwe, the capital of Malawi. As a result, Kat and I were holding down the fort, and after our first one-on-one romantic dinner we thought it'd be really cool to have dinner with our cooks and their families. Our hope was to bring food over to their house and cook with them, but they expressed to us that they were "not ready" so we respected that. They did say, however, that they would be interested in coming to our house to make dinner with Kat and I, and they each brought one of their children: Speeway, who is Vicky's 7 year old daughter, and Tumpale, who is Alick's 2 year old son. They are both absolutely adorable, and it was such a joy to have small children in our house! We made a Vikcy's favorite meal, fish with cassava flour, and had a wonderful meal together. Kat and I walked them all home, and it was a great time of sharing with them. They are becoming more and more like family to me, so much so, that I don't think I can say much longer that they are like family--they are family to me. It was a great night, and the stars were absolutely beautiful to walk home under. (Oh! And don't tell the Malawian Aviation Department, but I walked across an airport runway for the first time in my life! Alick and Vicky live on the other side of the airport and we cut across the runway because doing otherwise takes at least twice as long!)
And finally, yesterday we invited all of MIRACLE staff over to our house for a social. MIRACLE has had a lot of stress going on, a lot of changes going on, and a lot of frustrations and difficulties. Going into yesterday, we weren't fully sure if all of the stress at MIRACLE would be a damper on the social, or if the social was going to be just the right thing for this time. The second proved to be true! We welcomed almost 20 or 30 members of staff to our house, and for many of them, it was the first time they were in our house, invited as guest, and as equals to us. We share minerals (soft drinks), popcorn, biscuits (cookies), and ground nuts with them. There were some board games played, much chatting, and even a good bit of dancing! By the end of the night, it was clear that all felt welcome and had enjoyed themselves. I must say our volunteer community did a great job of intermixing with all the different members of staff, moving around and chatting with everyone. It was also really cool to see the teaching staff, the support staff, and our voulunteer community intermingling so well. At the end of the night Sarah and I drove anyone home who needed it, and it was clear that it had been a great event. It set up an awesome precedent for future events, and we are excited about the prospect of bringing the MIRACLE and Chaminade staffs together with this type of event. Maybe even nicest of all, I got to have two awesome conversations with two of the women on staff at MIRACLE. Both are a good bit older than me, both have families and children, and both definitely have much more life experience than me. One of the challenges I've been facing here is figuring out how to interact and relate with people who are older than me, from a different culture than me, and who seem to have such different life experiences from me. Last night, I found ways to connect with both of these women, and I felt that I was finally starting to breach the gap between being a mere acquaintance with them into having more of a friendship with them. It was wonderful!
So all in all, it was a beautiful week! There are still some things within my community that are a bit tricky, and might only be getting trickier to deal with, but this week was also a new beginning for that in a number of ways. There are definitely going to be things that are very challenging for me to deal with, but I think there is great hope in what's ahead.
A few weeks ago, I think I mentioned that I felt like the dawn was starting to bring light to thigns around me, but that the sun had not yet shown itself. I don't want to jump the gun on saying this, but I think the sun might be showing a little sliver of itself as it's working it's way out from behind the mountains before me. I think the morning is here; it's time to start this new day.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Not yet...
So I'm not out of the stormy waters just yet. However, I do think I'm getting a better understanding of the things that are lifting me up and the things that are pulling me down. Now, it will be a matter of minimizing the experiences with the things that pull me down and maximizing the experiences that lift me up. It's hard, though, because I'm not exactly sure what minimizing the experiences with the things that pull me down means. Does it mean avoiding those things all together, trying to ignore them, trying to reconcile them, or something else. I've done a pretty good job increasing the experiences of things that lift me up, but when you still have some big things pulling you down, it feels like whenever you take one step up, you get pulled two steps back down.
There have been at least four or five times in the past three weeks when I've been overwhelmed and exhausted by the instability of all this and of myself. I've wanted to just come home and not have to fight to keep my balance here. However, the thing that is keeping me going is my belief that great beauty can come from great pain. And that beauty will never come if I just pack my bags and call it quits. I do believe that I'm being presented with an opportunity to transform my ability to love, my view of myself, my view of others, and my view of God. I just wish this transformation wouldn't take so long, and I wish I had a better idea of how to respond to the challenges being presented. At times, I'm overwhelmed with feelings of being lost and alone, and I am continually doubting and questioning myself.
Last night, with the help of an overseas friend, I came up with a small game plan for my next step. To be honest, I have no idea how it is going to go or if it's even the step I should be taking. Additionally, after this attempt, I'm not sure what other options there are for me. I'm just so tired of all this. I want to get back to being the regular me who feels comfortable, confident, secure, loved, and excited about life.
There have been at least four or five times in the past three weeks when I've been overwhelmed and exhausted by the instability of all this and of myself. I've wanted to just come home and not have to fight to keep my balance here. However, the thing that is keeping me going is my belief that great beauty can come from great pain. And that beauty will never come if I just pack my bags and call it quits. I do believe that I'm being presented with an opportunity to transform my ability to love, my view of myself, my view of others, and my view of God. I just wish this transformation wouldn't take so long, and I wish I had a better idea of how to respond to the challenges being presented. At times, I'm overwhelmed with feelings of being lost and alone, and I am continually doubting and questioning myself.
Last night, with the help of an overseas friend, I came up with a small game plan for my next step. To be honest, I have no idea how it is going to go or if it's even the step I should be taking. Additionally, after this attempt, I'm not sure what other options there are for me. I'm just so tired of all this. I want to get back to being the regular me who feels comfortable, confident, secure, loved, and excited about life.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Sing
I mentioned in a previous post that I joined the Church choir for Mass on Sundays. This has proven to be EXTREMELY uncomfortable at times, particularly when I don't know any of the Chitumbuka words that are being sung. It's also pretty uncomfortable during meetings when they talk about me. This last week, they talked about how I wasn't at the practice on Saturday. Then the choir director defended me because I was there at the time that the practice was supposed to start but no one else was there, and that is why I missed the practice. All of that was in Chitumbuka. Then later on in the meeting, one of the members gave a speech about how "we all should be helping Andy since he doesn't know the songs." He then talked about those in the choir who are struggling should find a buddy to listen to so that we can better learn the songs. These moments are weird, awkward for me, and uncomfortable. But then, there are the moments where we are just singing. There are the handful of songs for which I've learned the words and the harmonies. And there are the songs to which I can dance right in line with the choir members next to me. Those moments are the moments I'm singing for. The moments when the person next to me, African, black, not as educated, not as wealthy, is just the same as me. Those moments when I can show them and myself that underneath my American clothes and beneath my Muzungu skin, we are just the same. We both were created by God, we both love God, and we both want to sing and live for God. What else is there better to do in these moments than sing?
This Friday our Chaminade campus is celebrating Chaminade day. We will be having a grand Mass with all the students from MIRACLE, Chaminade Boarding, and Chaminade Open Schools. A joint choir has been created, and I'm also singing with this choir. The practices we have had so far have reached moments in which the Holy Spirit is visibly and audibly present in the movements, expressions, and voices of the choir. It rocks.
And finally, to commemorate the inauguration of President Barack Obama, Molly and I sang our National Anthem to the entire MIRACLE community during this morning's assembly. I thought it was really fun, and the students and staff seemed to be thouroughly entertained by us two white people singing our national anthem partly out of tune because we have a new president today. As goofy as we might have looked or sounded, it's moments like that that make life wonderful. Life may bring us all kinds of troubles and difficulties, but if you can still smile, if you can still sing, and if you can still dance, what else do you need?
Just open your heart and sing.
This Friday our Chaminade campus is celebrating Chaminade day. We will be having a grand Mass with all the students from MIRACLE, Chaminade Boarding, and Chaminade Open Schools. A joint choir has been created, and I'm also singing with this choir. The practices we have had so far have reached moments in which the Holy Spirit is visibly and audibly present in the movements, expressions, and voices of the choir. It rocks.
And finally, to commemorate the inauguration of President Barack Obama, Molly and I sang our National Anthem to the entire MIRACLE community during this morning's assembly. I thought it was really fun, and the students and staff seemed to be thouroughly entertained by us two white people singing our national anthem partly out of tune because we have a new president today. As goofy as we might have looked or sounded, it's moments like that that make life wonderful. Life may bring us all kinds of troubles and difficulties, but if you can still smile, if you can still sing, and if you can still dance, what else do you need?
Just open your heart and sing.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Healing; getting back to being ALIVE
So things still aren’t perfect. There are still things that bother me and upset me. But I’m trying to move on. I’m tired of thinking about and talking about the dark sides of life. I’ve been spending too much time on that, and I haven’t been spending enough time on actually being alive. I’m finding I just need to let go of those things that are bothering me. Holding onto them has just been pulling me down. I think that is how evil gets us. It uses our own stubbornness and pride against us. We just need to let go of it, move on, and look at all of the good in this life, even if only as tiny as a butterfly. This is where I think healing happens: letting go of the dark, and focusing in on even the smallest bit of light.
Today was a national holiday in Malawi for a Malawian man named John Chilembwe who fought against the British rule. He was the first person to stand up against the evil rule controlling Malawi to fight for freedom, and he sounds like he was a pretty sweet dude. In honor of him, there was no work or school today, so our volunteer community decided to go to the lake for the day. Though things in my community aren’t exactly smooth, and there are still some things that I’m struggling to deal with, it proved to be a very good day.
When we arrived to the lake, there were about 30-40 Malawians, mostly children and mothers on the area of the beach we went to. I was excited about this because I still need some space between myself and some of my community members; all these other people gave me lots of opportunity to interact with someone other than the five people in my house.
On my way into the water, I greeted one of the boys who was by himself and looked a little bit older, maybe about 10 or so. After diving in, I came back out of the water to grab one of the balls we brought. I asked the 10 year-old boy if he would like to play with me. His face lit up with a magnificent smile, and almost instantly he started walking towards the water with his hands in a ready position for my throw. We tossed it back and forth 20 times or so, and I noticed about five or six more boys swimming their way over to us. I asked Anuswe if his friends wanted to play; they did. For the next hour or so, we played various forms of catch, from throwing the ball back and forth, with me saying each of their names so that I could learn them, to trying to hit the ball up in the air like a volleyball set from one person to the next to see how many people could hit the ball up before we lost control of it; i-t w-a-s a b-l-a-s-t! Eventually, without the energy of a 10 year-old, I started to get a little tired. I backed off a bit and let them all play with the ball. Then, wanting to add something new into the fun, I found Anuswe and asked him if he knew how to do a flip out of the water. Though he nodded his head with affirmation, I wasn’t sure he knew what I was talking about. I tried to speak clear English and explain to him to put his feet in my hands and then, on the count of three, I would throw him up into the air to do a back flip. He got in the ready position, and I counted: O-n-e….t-w-oo-oo-oo….THREE! Anuswe went flying up into the air, almost instinctively doing a perfect backflip landing his feet straight down in the water. I’m pretty sure the huge grin on my face was only half as big as the beaming smile that blasted from Anuswe’s face as he emerged from the water. For the next half hour, I flipped Anuswe and all of his friends to their hearts’ delight.
Though it was nothing really that grand or special, or deep, or profound, playing with those boys was positive, and it was happy, and it was joyful. It was very simple, and it was very good. It helped me to appreciate the simple wonder of this life we live, something I have been neglecting far too much for far too long. I felt alive today, and it was good.
Today was a national holiday in Malawi for a Malawian man named John Chilembwe who fought against the British rule. He was the first person to stand up against the evil rule controlling Malawi to fight for freedom, and he sounds like he was a pretty sweet dude. In honor of him, there was no work or school today, so our volunteer community decided to go to the lake for the day. Though things in my community aren’t exactly smooth, and there are still some things that I’m struggling to deal with, it proved to be a very good day.
When we arrived to the lake, there were about 30-40 Malawians, mostly children and mothers on the area of the beach we went to. I was excited about this because I still need some space between myself and some of my community members; all these other people gave me lots of opportunity to interact with someone other than the five people in my house.
On my way into the water, I greeted one of the boys who was by himself and looked a little bit older, maybe about 10 or so. After diving in, I came back out of the water to grab one of the balls we brought. I asked the 10 year-old boy if he would like to play with me. His face lit up with a magnificent smile, and almost instantly he started walking towards the water with his hands in a ready position for my throw. We tossed it back and forth 20 times or so, and I noticed about five or six more boys swimming their way over to us. I asked Anuswe if his friends wanted to play; they did. For the next hour or so, we played various forms of catch, from throwing the ball back and forth, with me saying each of their names so that I could learn them, to trying to hit the ball up in the air like a volleyball set from one person to the next to see how many people could hit the ball up before we lost control of it; i-t w-a-s a b-l-a-s-t! Eventually, without the energy of a 10 year-old, I started to get a little tired. I backed off a bit and let them all play with the ball. Then, wanting to add something new into the fun, I found Anuswe and asked him if he knew how to do a flip out of the water. Though he nodded his head with affirmation, I wasn’t sure he knew what I was talking about. I tried to speak clear English and explain to him to put his feet in my hands and then, on the count of three, I would throw him up into the air to do a back flip. He got in the ready position, and I counted: O-n-e….t-w-oo-oo-oo….THREE! Anuswe went flying up into the air, almost instinctively doing a perfect backflip landing his feet straight down in the water. I’m pretty sure the huge grin on my face was only half as big as the beaming smile that blasted from Anuswe’s face as he emerged from the water. For the next half hour, I flipped Anuswe and all of his friends to their hearts’ delight.
Though it was nothing really that grand or special, or deep, or profound, playing with those boys was positive, and it was happy, and it was joyful. It was very simple, and it was very good. It helped me to appreciate the simple wonder of this life we live, something I have been neglecting far too much for far too long. I felt alive today, and it was good.
Monday, January 12, 2009
This Is Hard
So this isn’t that easy. The pain of loneliness I sometimes feel is an overwhelming weight to bear. At times, I wonder what I’m doing here in Malawi. Why am I going through all of this just to be here?
Well, I felt called here. I felt there was some reason for me to come here. I still believe that; it’s just that I don’t yet see that reason. Maybe I will never see it. But I do believe it’s there. And I believe that the pain I’m feeling right now is a cross that is ripping open my heart, stretching it in a way that it never has been. Let me tell you, it hurts to be pulled like this. I really do have a hope, though, that all of this work is for something. I do believe that this stretching and pulling that hurts so much will leave my heart bigger than ever. I have hope that I will be able to share more love with the world after coming through this challenge successfully.
I can’t half-ass it, though. I have to pour my whole heart into it. It’s just so hard to open my heart up to new things when it still wants to cling so tightly onto old things. It’s a burning conflict in my heart, and I’m looking forward to the day when I rise above it. I just hope that day comes soon.
Well, I felt called here. I felt there was some reason for me to come here. I still believe that; it’s just that I don’t yet see that reason. Maybe I will never see it. But I do believe it’s there. And I believe that the pain I’m feeling right now is a cross that is ripping open my heart, stretching it in a way that it never has been. Let me tell you, it hurts to be pulled like this. I really do have a hope, though, that all of this work is for something. I do believe that this stretching and pulling that hurts so much will leave my heart bigger than ever. I have hope that I will be able to share more love with the world after coming through this challenge successfully.
I can’t half-ass it, though. I have to pour my whole heart into it. It’s just so hard to open my heart up to new things when it still wants to cling so tightly onto old things. It’s a burning conflict in my heart, and I’m looking forward to the day when I rise above it. I just hope that day comes soon.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Time To Change
So this week went pretty well. It definitely did not go without its fair share of stumbling blocks, and it also brought to the very forefront one of the most challenging leaps of faith I’ve ever faced. (When you see what that challenge is, you’ll see that the leaps of faith I’ve made in the past haven’t been that challenging. Nonetheless, this has been probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to let go of and put full trust in God.) In addition to that deep leap of faith, this week also brought a sense of peace that I haven’t since I was back in the States.
Last weekend I quite an experience in meeting the owner of a lakeside lodge/hotel who invited us to come visit him at his place, only to find he had his workers prepare a magnificent buffet of fish, chicken, and steak. We ate the dinner on a white-table cloth table, set out with fine china, on the beach looking out at the lake, which pears across to the mountains of southern Tanzania. The sun set behind us as we ate the dinner. As dinner finished, the owner began instructing one of his waiters to bring various drinks to our table and encouraged us to partake, “all on the house.” It got to the point where we said we had to drive home, so we could only take so much. It was at that point that he invited us to stay in some of his open rooms and to feel free to stay till the next morning. We took him up on it and had an enjoyable rest of the night. I had a lot of fun relaxing and hanging out with my community members. It was also really interesting to interact with this hotel owner who comes from a very wealthy family that is Malawi-born.
My weekend experience didn’t exactly end on a great note, though. I ended up getting very frustrated and jealous, and I got down on myself for feeling so. It took some conversations Sunday night and Monday night to get myself out of it. The conversation Monday night was intense, serious, scary, challenging, and ugly. As scary and ugly as it was, the resolutions I came away from it with are ones that I think I needed more than anything.
One of the major resolutions I came away with is that I can’t spend so much time focusing on, thinking about, and talking about the negative things I’m experiencing. I’ve been dwelling far too much on the things that bother me, the things that disappoint me, the things that frustrate me, the things that make me jealous, the things that make me feel bad about myself, and all of the other negative thoughts and feelings that have been rolling around in my head. I realized through some very honest and very challenging conversation that I’ve spent so much time thinking about and talking about the negative that I haven’t left room for living life. It was so hard to swallow, but it is true. And I’m tired of living that way. I want to be full of life again and rid of all this negativity. So, one of my new year resolutions is to dive full fledge into life. My new focus is on the people and activities that I can get involved with here. My goal is to come alive and be alive in every moment that I possibly can. I’ve wasted too much of the past five months being frustrated, feeling worthless, feeling lonely, feeling disrespected, feeling unwanted, and feeling insecure. I’m tired of it, and it’s time to change.
This past week, I’ve started with two wonderful things that are already giving me life. I’ve started a dance group at MIRACLE, one that I wish to also start and combine with Chaminade, and we had our first gathering and dance practice. It was a blast and totally life-giving! The second thing I got involved with is the choir at the Mass I go to each week here at Chaminade. One thing you should know is that the entire Mass is in vernacular: Chitumbuka. This means the songs too! Though I didn’t know the words to some of the songs, I could sing quickly enough with only a few of the songs, and I knew the meaning of virtually none of the songs, I loved it. I loved just being able to sing with people again, I loved how in just one day I already feel like I can hear and speak the language a good bit better, and I loved how I was mixed right in the midst with the people who live around me. I haven’t had enough of that last one at all during my time here. My hope is I can keep these positive things going, I can get involved with more positive things, and through all of these positive things, I can begin establishing the positive relationships I have been starved of during the past five months.
One of the other resolutions I came up with as a result of that ugly Monday night conversation is my need to stop focusing so much on just a few or just one relationship here. I’ve made a commitment to let go a bit of the relationships I’ve been depending on to make room for some new relationships that I haven’t been investing much into. As scary as it is to consciously decide to let go of the most supportive relationships I’ve had during my time here, I fully believe this is what I need. And as much as I don’t want to allow for some space in those relationships that I want to be closer than any other relationships, I have felt quite clearly called to do so. I think this is what I need right now. And luckily, in talking with those it affects, I have confidence that my relationships with them will remain. It’s just scary to let go of something you’ve been holding onto so tightly.
Lastly, I want to share with all of you the power of faith I have witnessed throughout this experience. For those of you who have known me, I’ve had a relatively strong faith since at least high school. Through this experience, I have been challenged to embrace that faith in a way I never have before, and I have been called to open myself to God more than I thought my spirit was able to do, more than I thought I’d ever be asked to. For the past few months, my spirit has been dead and dying. Now, I’m trying to place my trust more fully in God, and as scary as it is, as painful as it is, as difficult as it is, I do believe it will lead to new life. Though I’ve been in so much pain these past few months, by trying to let go of that pain and embrace what I know as love, I believe I am coming into a new life that is beyond the beauty of anything I’ve known. I praise God for the beauty and life that can grow out of this sometimes ugly, dark, and lonely world.
I’m going to end this here so that I can get back to being alive here. But before I go, I want to thank, once again, all of you who have extended your words of encouragement, shoulders (even if only virtual) to lean on, and prayers for renewal. This experience has been extremely difficult for me, but the encouragement, support, and prayers I have received are why I believe I’m beginning to come into the light. For this, I cannot thank you enough.
Thank you.
Last weekend I quite an experience in meeting the owner of a lakeside lodge/hotel who invited us to come visit him at his place, only to find he had his workers prepare a magnificent buffet of fish, chicken, and steak. We ate the dinner on a white-table cloth table, set out with fine china, on the beach looking out at the lake, which pears across to the mountains of southern Tanzania. The sun set behind us as we ate the dinner. As dinner finished, the owner began instructing one of his waiters to bring various drinks to our table and encouraged us to partake, “all on the house.” It got to the point where we said we had to drive home, so we could only take so much. It was at that point that he invited us to stay in some of his open rooms and to feel free to stay till the next morning. We took him up on it and had an enjoyable rest of the night. I had a lot of fun relaxing and hanging out with my community members. It was also really interesting to interact with this hotel owner who comes from a very wealthy family that is Malawi-born.
My weekend experience didn’t exactly end on a great note, though. I ended up getting very frustrated and jealous, and I got down on myself for feeling so. It took some conversations Sunday night and Monday night to get myself out of it. The conversation Monday night was intense, serious, scary, challenging, and ugly. As scary and ugly as it was, the resolutions I came away from it with are ones that I think I needed more than anything.
One of the major resolutions I came away with is that I can’t spend so much time focusing on, thinking about, and talking about the negative things I’m experiencing. I’ve been dwelling far too much on the things that bother me, the things that disappoint me, the things that frustrate me, the things that make me jealous, the things that make me feel bad about myself, and all of the other negative thoughts and feelings that have been rolling around in my head. I realized through some very honest and very challenging conversation that I’ve spent so much time thinking about and talking about the negative that I haven’t left room for living life. It was so hard to swallow, but it is true. And I’m tired of living that way. I want to be full of life again and rid of all this negativity. So, one of my new year resolutions is to dive full fledge into life. My new focus is on the people and activities that I can get involved with here. My goal is to come alive and be alive in every moment that I possibly can. I’ve wasted too much of the past five months being frustrated, feeling worthless, feeling lonely, feeling disrespected, feeling unwanted, and feeling insecure. I’m tired of it, and it’s time to change.
This past week, I’ve started with two wonderful things that are already giving me life. I’ve started a dance group at MIRACLE, one that I wish to also start and combine with Chaminade, and we had our first gathering and dance practice. It was a blast and totally life-giving! The second thing I got involved with is the choir at the Mass I go to each week here at Chaminade. One thing you should know is that the entire Mass is in vernacular: Chitumbuka. This means the songs too! Though I didn’t know the words to some of the songs, I could sing quickly enough with only a few of the songs, and I knew the meaning of virtually none of the songs, I loved it. I loved just being able to sing with people again, I loved how in just one day I already feel like I can hear and speak the language a good bit better, and I loved how I was mixed right in the midst with the people who live around me. I haven’t had enough of that last one at all during my time here. My hope is I can keep these positive things going, I can get involved with more positive things, and through all of these positive things, I can begin establishing the positive relationships I have been starved of during the past five months.
One of the other resolutions I came up with as a result of that ugly Monday night conversation is my need to stop focusing so much on just a few or just one relationship here. I’ve made a commitment to let go a bit of the relationships I’ve been depending on to make room for some new relationships that I haven’t been investing much into. As scary as it is to consciously decide to let go of the most supportive relationships I’ve had during my time here, I fully believe this is what I need. And as much as I don’t want to allow for some space in those relationships that I want to be closer than any other relationships, I have felt quite clearly called to do so. I think this is what I need right now. And luckily, in talking with those it affects, I have confidence that my relationships with them will remain. It’s just scary to let go of something you’ve been holding onto so tightly.
Lastly, I want to share with all of you the power of faith I have witnessed throughout this experience. For those of you who have known me, I’ve had a relatively strong faith since at least high school. Through this experience, I have been challenged to embrace that faith in a way I never have before, and I have been called to open myself to God more than I thought my spirit was able to do, more than I thought I’d ever be asked to. For the past few months, my spirit has been dead and dying. Now, I’m trying to place my trust more fully in God, and as scary as it is, as painful as it is, as difficult as it is, I do believe it will lead to new life. Though I’ve been in so much pain these past few months, by trying to let go of that pain and embrace what I know as love, I believe I am coming into a new life that is beyond the beauty of anything I’ve known. I praise God for the beauty and life that can grow out of this sometimes ugly, dark, and lonely world.
I’m going to end this here so that I can get back to being alive here. But before I go, I want to thank, once again, all of you who have extended your words of encouragement, shoulders (even if only virtual) to lean on, and prayers for renewal. This experience has been extremely difficult for me, but the encouragement, support, and prayers I have received are why I believe I’m beginning to come into the light. For this, I cannot thank you enough.
Thank you.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Thank you
Though the struggle is not over and is probably far from it, I cannot thank all of you who have extended your support to me through simple messages and prayers. It's not easy at all to put yourself out there, to let others know how you really feel and how your really are. In fact, it was scary as hell, and I've never felt more vulnerable. At the same time, I feel it is exactly what I need. In some ways, I think it's exactly what we all need. I think we all spend too much time being afraid to be who we really are, flaws, inadequacies, imperfections and all. And by doing so, by being afraid to be who we really are, problems and all, we limit the intimacy we are able to share with people.
So thank you. Thank you for letting me be me, and for responding to me openly and honestly, with care and with challenge.
I haven't yet reached the light of day, but thanks to many of you, at least the sun is starting to rise.
So thank you. Thank you for letting me be me, and for responding to me openly and honestly, with care and with challenge.
I haven't yet reached the light of day, but thanks to many of you, at least the sun is starting to rise.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
An Honest, Even If Ugly, Update
[I wrote this blog on New Year's Day.]
Before you read this blog, I want to warn you that it is more personal than any of the other blogs I have written. This blog also strays from the upbeat topics that I have typically written about during my time here in Malawi. If you aren’t interested in reading a reflection and description of some of the personal challenges I’ve been facing, please feel free to skip this blog.
Though I would prefer to avoid any potential pity posed by writing about the serious struggles I’m facing, I feel that it would be a lie to anyone who reads my blog to continue posting about things like trips to the bore hole, or encounters with snakes, or any of the other intriguing experiences of living in Africa without first acknowledging the severe difficulties that have become entangled in every moment of my time here. This blog will acknowledge those difficulties. Also, this blog will hopefully open me up to continue writing about my experiences here, difficulties and all. In truth, part of the reason I have not written any blogs in the past two months is because I haven’t known how to write about the various things I’m doing here without including the negative things I’ve been feeling here.
While most of my blogs probably don’t indicate it, I’ve really been struggling here. For the past five months, I’ve been immersed in a continuous struggle that has only become more challenging as the months have gone by. The struggle began with the mere adjustment to a new place, to being away from home, my family, and my friends. As I look back, that part of the struggle was a cake-walk compared with where I am now. The next part of my struggle stemmed from the difficulty I have had in developing relationships with people here. I couldn’t seem to connect or relate with my co-workers, and the behavior script set by the staff here discouraged any type of personal interaction between students and teachers; for example, chatting between students and teachers was explicitly identified as “dangerous,” and we were directed to maintain “social distance” at all times. This was not the place for someone who not only thrives on, but survives on personal relationships with people. The challenge then continued with my volunteer community, which has continually struggled with not only establishing a common mission, purpose, and vision for our presence here, but has more intensely struggled with establishing a common respect for the individuals who make up this community. We have struggled to get along, to say the least, and have failed to support one another, to say some more. From there, my struggle has only gotten more complicated, more personal, and more debilitating.
When I made the decision to move myself to the other side of the world for two years, I expected that where I was going, I would find things that fed me, nurtured me, excited me, and sustained me. Instead, I’ve only found things that drain me, frustrate me, and hurt me. I also expected to find a purpose for my presence here. I expected to find the value of a university educated, American, 22-year old coming to serve one of the economically poor populations on the planet. Instead, I have failed to find a purpose and value of my presence. Furthermore, I haven’t even found a meaningful way to serve the people I meet here. Since I’ve barely even had any meaningful interaction with people here, how in the world could I be serving them? With this lack of purpose, absence of value, and failure to serve, I’ve felt virtually worthless here, beginning shortly after my two month mark here, at which point I finally got my feet on the ground. Since then, I’ve only felt more and more useless and more and more disappointed in myself. After all, I am a very capable person, so why shouldn’t I be able to identify some purpose to my presence here? Why shouldn’t I be able to see the value of me being here? Why can’t I find ways to offer myself to others? Why am I not fed, nurtured, excited, or sustained by anything I’m involved with here? Why am I so discontent with everything?
These disappointing questions have only led me to get more and more down on myself. Without the academic success I’ve enjoyed my entire life, and without the numerous meaningful clubs, organizations, and groups I’ve been a part of over the years, I’ve become more insecure about myself than I have ever been in my life. This insecurity has led me to doubt almost everything I have believed to be true about myself and has caused me to become more selfish and jealous than I’ve ever been in my life. It has gotten to such a point that I now become angry with the two best friends I have here when they spend time together or do something together. I’m jealous of their relationship, and I feel as if I’m in competition to be close with them. The fact that I’m jealous only leads me to further disappointment in myself. And that disappointment in myself has led me to easily become frustrated with those around me, especially my community members. All of these things are uncharacteristic of who I’ve always thought I am, and I’m now finding myself question whether I really am who I thought I was. This leads to even more disappointment in myself, that I can’t continue being the person I want to be, the person I believe me to be. I’ve gotten so frustrated with the fact that I’m not succeeding here, that I’m not even getting by, that I’m struggling to even merely be me. With all of these things, my mood has been dark and down, at best. My attitude has been beyond negative. And my actions have been void of the energy, love, joy, and spirit that make me feel alive. I’ve been broken. I felt dead.
There are probably more details I could describe about the intense mental, emotional, and relational mess I’ve been in. But I think, by this point, I’ve made the picture clear.
About two weeks ago, a week or so before Christmas, I hit an absolute low, or at least, the lowest I’ve ever felt. Thankfully, my friend Molly was here and able to help lift me up. She also allowed me to honestly acknowledge the struggle I’m facing. She sat, and listened, and allowed me to bring to surface the mess I’m in; she enabled me to get this mess out from inside of me. I do believe it is because of her, and because of the guiding words of a few dear friends, that I’m able to write about these things here. Again, I would prefer not to broadcast this internal struggle for the whole world to read; I don’t like the pity it calls forth, and I don’t like the burden it places on others. I also don’t like admitting that I’m flawed, that something isn’t okay with me. I’d rather not let the world know that I feel messed up emotionally and mentally. I’d also rather not let the world see that maybe I don’t only feel messed up, but that maybe I really am messed up. However, I am pretty sure that I’m not the only person in the world to have gone through something like this; I’m not the only person to have felt these things. I’m also pretty sure that what makes a situation like this go from bad to horrible is when the person in the situation holds everything inside, and doesn’t seek help. So maybe, just maybe, by sharing this part of my story, I will enable someone else to feel free to talk about what they’re feeling, even if it’s ugly, and even if they don’t want anybody else to see it. In my experience…in this experience…things only get worse when you hold onto it all by your self.
Two days ago, I hit another rock bottom. I was jealous and angry at my two best friends for doing something together, for being happy while doing it, and for doing it without me. The blatant selfishness of those feelings drove me even deeper into disgust of myself. However, I’m quite sure that if it weren’t for one of those best friends, I would have already self-destructed in depression. The fight is not over for me, and this morning, as Molly and I continued to discuss what I’m going through, we began to consider whether I’d be better able to fight this fight back home; or maybe more accurately, we began to consider whether staying here will only continue suffocating me. The thought of going home without living through this experience scares me. I have no doubt that doing so would only increase my feelings of disappointment, lack of confidence, and feelings of jealousy, guilt, and failure. But if staying here continues to kill my spirit the way it has for these past five months, I need to take that option. I can’t stay here and continue to suffocate. Right now, the option of going home is on the table for me. But I’m not taking that option yet.
Today was a new day; it’s a new month; a new year. And, perhaps providentially, I woke up early this morning, and I could not fall back asleep. My soul was too unsettled to slumber. By God’s Grace, I looked outside my window to see a sky hinting of magic. Tired and worn down, I decided I needed sleep more than a pretty sky. Fifteen minutes passed, and my mind, body, and soul still sat unsettled. I decided to get up. Maybe a peaceful sunrise would be a good start to this new year. I put on some pants and laced up my shoes, grabbed my camera, and walked out the door. When I reached a clearing that allowed my eyes to absorb the scene above me, I found myself staring at a sky stirring with vibrant pinks, fiery oranges, and bottomless blues. I have n-e-v-e-r witnessed a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g as BEAUTIFUL as what my eyes found above me; it W-A-S beauty.
I believe I have hit a point of brokenness where I have nowhere but up to go. The only question lies in my openness to allow God’s love for me fill my heart and set me back to flight. My hope is to do that here, in Malawi, so that I can come home to the US in a year and a half telling a story of a death resurrected to a new and brilliant life, very much like the dark night last night burst into a brilliant day this morning. However, I won’t let this situation crush me. Yes; this is a new year and a new start. And with the start of this new academic year here at Chaminade, there is great potential for me to get up off the ground and set my wings to flight. But, if I find myself still starving for life in a month or so, I can’t stay. I will have to go home, and I will have to find a way to let God heal me, restore me, and bring me back to life there. That is not my hope, but if I must, I must.
For you, who have taken the time to read this, and who have shared your care and compassion with me, THANK YOU; as my housemate Kat said to me today, there is no way for someone to get out of a situation like this without the help of another human being—there is no substitute for the support of another. By reading this, you have given me support. All I ask more of you is for your prayers. I’ve been surrounded and consumed by a lot of darkness lately; any petitions for light to come into my life might just be transformational for me. I also ask that if you ever feel feelings like some of the ones I have described above, please find someone you can talk to freely about them; there is no substitute for the support of another.
Thank you for supporting me.
Love,
Andy
Before you read this blog, I want to warn you that it is more personal than any of the other blogs I have written. This blog also strays from the upbeat topics that I have typically written about during my time here in Malawi. If you aren’t interested in reading a reflection and description of some of the personal challenges I’ve been facing, please feel free to skip this blog.
Though I would prefer to avoid any potential pity posed by writing about the serious struggles I’m facing, I feel that it would be a lie to anyone who reads my blog to continue posting about things like trips to the bore hole, or encounters with snakes, or any of the other intriguing experiences of living in Africa without first acknowledging the severe difficulties that have become entangled in every moment of my time here. This blog will acknowledge those difficulties. Also, this blog will hopefully open me up to continue writing about my experiences here, difficulties and all. In truth, part of the reason I have not written any blogs in the past two months is because I haven’t known how to write about the various things I’m doing here without including the negative things I’ve been feeling here.
While most of my blogs probably don’t indicate it, I’ve really been struggling here. For the past five months, I’ve been immersed in a continuous struggle that has only become more challenging as the months have gone by. The struggle began with the mere adjustment to a new place, to being away from home, my family, and my friends. As I look back, that part of the struggle was a cake-walk compared with where I am now. The next part of my struggle stemmed from the difficulty I have had in developing relationships with people here. I couldn’t seem to connect or relate with my co-workers, and the behavior script set by the staff here discouraged any type of personal interaction between students and teachers; for example, chatting between students and teachers was explicitly identified as “dangerous,” and we were directed to maintain “social distance” at all times. This was not the place for someone who not only thrives on, but survives on personal relationships with people. The challenge then continued with my volunteer community, which has continually struggled with not only establishing a common mission, purpose, and vision for our presence here, but has more intensely struggled with establishing a common respect for the individuals who make up this community. We have struggled to get along, to say the least, and have failed to support one another, to say some more. From there, my struggle has only gotten more complicated, more personal, and more debilitating.
When I made the decision to move myself to the other side of the world for two years, I expected that where I was going, I would find things that fed me, nurtured me, excited me, and sustained me. Instead, I’ve only found things that drain me, frustrate me, and hurt me. I also expected to find a purpose for my presence here. I expected to find the value of a university educated, American, 22-year old coming to serve one of the economically poor populations on the planet. Instead, I have failed to find a purpose and value of my presence. Furthermore, I haven’t even found a meaningful way to serve the people I meet here. Since I’ve barely even had any meaningful interaction with people here, how in the world could I be serving them? With this lack of purpose, absence of value, and failure to serve, I’ve felt virtually worthless here, beginning shortly after my two month mark here, at which point I finally got my feet on the ground. Since then, I’ve only felt more and more useless and more and more disappointed in myself. After all, I am a very capable person, so why shouldn’t I be able to identify some purpose to my presence here? Why shouldn’t I be able to see the value of me being here? Why can’t I find ways to offer myself to others? Why am I not fed, nurtured, excited, or sustained by anything I’m involved with here? Why am I so discontent with everything?
These disappointing questions have only led me to get more and more down on myself. Without the academic success I’ve enjoyed my entire life, and without the numerous meaningful clubs, organizations, and groups I’ve been a part of over the years, I’ve become more insecure about myself than I have ever been in my life. This insecurity has led me to doubt almost everything I have believed to be true about myself and has caused me to become more selfish and jealous than I’ve ever been in my life. It has gotten to such a point that I now become angry with the two best friends I have here when they spend time together or do something together. I’m jealous of their relationship, and I feel as if I’m in competition to be close with them. The fact that I’m jealous only leads me to further disappointment in myself. And that disappointment in myself has led me to easily become frustrated with those around me, especially my community members. All of these things are uncharacteristic of who I’ve always thought I am, and I’m now finding myself question whether I really am who I thought I was. This leads to even more disappointment in myself, that I can’t continue being the person I want to be, the person I believe me to be. I’ve gotten so frustrated with the fact that I’m not succeeding here, that I’m not even getting by, that I’m struggling to even merely be me. With all of these things, my mood has been dark and down, at best. My attitude has been beyond negative. And my actions have been void of the energy, love, joy, and spirit that make me feel alive. I’ve been broken. I felt dead.
There are probably more details I could describe about the intense mental, emotional, and relational mess I’ve been in. But I think, by this point, I’ve made the picture clear.
About two weeks ago, a week or so before Christmas, I hit an absolute low, or at least, the lowest I’ve ever felt. Thankfully, my friend Molly was here and able to help lift me up. She also allowed me to honestly acknowledge the struggle I’m facing. She sat, and listened, and allowed me to bring to surface the mess I’m in; she enabled me to get this mess out from inside of me. I do believe it is because of her, and because of the guiding words of a few dear friends, that I’m able to write about these things here. Again, I would prefer not to broadcast this internal struggle for the whole world to read; I don’t like the pity it calls forth, and I don’t like the burden it places on others. I also don’t like admitting that I’m flawed, that something isn’t okay with me. I’d rather not let the world know that I feel messed up emotionally and mentally. I’d also rather not let the world see that maybe I don’t only feel messed up, but that maybe I really am messed up. However, I am pretty sure that I’m not the only person in the world to have gone through something like this; I’m not the only person to have felt these things. I’m also pretty sure that what makes a situation like this go from bad to horrible is when the person in the situation holds everything inside, and doesn’t seek help. So maybe, just maybe, by sharing this part of my story, I will enable someone else to feel free to talk about what they’re feeling, even if it’s ugly, and even if they don’t want anybody else to see it. In my experience…in this experience…things only get worse when you hold onto it all by your self.
Two days ago, I hit another rock bottom. I was jealous and angry at my two best friends for doing something together, for being happy while doing it, and for doing it without me. The blatant selfishness of those feelings drove me even deeper into disgust of myself. However, I’m quite sure that if it weren’t for one of those best friends, I would have already self-destructed in depression. The fight is not over for me, and this morning, as Molly and I continued to discuss what I’m going through, we began to consider whether I’d be better able to fight this fight back home; or maybe more accurately, we began to consider whether staying here will only continue suffocating me. The thought of going home without living through this experience scares me. I have no doubt that doing so would only increase my feelings of disappointment, lack of confidence, and feelings of jealousy, guilt, and failure. But if staying here continues to kill my spirit the way it has for these past five months, I need to take that option. I can’t stay here and continue to suffocate. Right now, the option of going home is on the table for me. But I’m not taking that option yet.
Today was a new day; it’s a new month; a new year. And, perhaps providentially, I woke up early this morning, and I could not fall back asleep. My soul was too unsettled to slumber. By God’s Grace, I looked outside my window to see a sky hinting of magic. Tired and worn down, I decided I needed sleep more than a pretty sky. Fifteen minutes passed, and my mind, body, and soul still sat unsettled. I decided to get up. Maybe a peaceful sunrise would be a good start to this new year. I put on some pants and laced up my shoes, grabbed my camera, and walked out the door. When I reached a clearing that allowed my eyes to absorb the scene above me, I found myself staring at a sky stirring with vibrant pinks, fiery oranges, and bottomless blues. I have n-e-v-e-r witnessed a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g as BEAUTIFUL as what my eyes found above me; it W-A-S beauty.
I believe I have hit a point of brokenness where I have nowhere but up to go. The only question lies in my openness to allow God’s love for me fill my heart and set me back to flight. My hope is to do that here, in Malawi, so that I can come home to the US in a year and a half telling a story of a death resurrected to a new and brilliant life, very much like the dark night last night burst into a brilliant day this morning. However, I won’t let this situation crush me. Yes; this is a new year and a new start. And with the start of this new academic year here at Chaminade, there is great potential for me to get up off the ground and set my wings to flight. But, if I find myself still starving for life in a month or so, I can’t stay. I will have to go home, and I will have to find a way to let God heal me, restore me, and bring me back to life there. That is not my hope, but if I must, I must.
For you, who have taken the time to read this, and who have shared your care and compassion with me, THANK YOU; as my housemate Kat said to me today, there is no way for someone to get out of a situation like this without the help of another human being—there is no substitute for the support of another. By reading this, you have given me support. All I ask more of you is for your prayers. I’ve been surrounded and consumed by a lot of darkness lately; any petitions for light to come into my life might just be transformational for me. I also ask that if you ever feel feelings like some of the ones I have described above, please find someone you can talk to freely about them; there is no substitute for the support of another.
Thank you for supporting me.
Love,
Andy
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