Discontent

I was recently asked to write an article for the Newsletter the Marianist Volunteer Program sends out every few months. They asked me to write about my experience so far, and as I sat down to reflect on how things are going so far, I found myself rather dissatisfied. I just submitted the first draft of the article, so I’m not sure how much it will change before it is actually published, but I do feel it is appropriate to share some of the thoughts I touched on in the article.

Though I’ve finally gotten into my job as a teacher, I still feel that I’m lacking my purpose here. The US has plenty of need for teachers, especially ones that aren’t working for money. So why come all the way to Africa? Furthermore, I feel that a Malawian teacher could probably do my job better than I could simply because of the fact that they grew up in this educational system, they are familiar with the curriculum and the testing, and they know and understand the culture of the students. These things all put me at a disadvantage for being able to teach my students well. At Chaminade, when I’m trying to teach different concepts in Social Studies, I am constantly wondering if the examples I give make sense to the students. And at M.I.R.A.C.L.E., the technical college for young people in destitution, I feel entirely inadequate to lead discussions about issues like HIV/AIDS and malnutrition, which are things I have only read about in textbooks while my students deal with them everyday. At times, I wonder what I’m doing here.

As a Christian, I believe that regardless of where I am or what my job is, I have the mission to share Christ’s Love with others. And as a Catholic, I believe the best way I can do that is by allowing God to transform me into a part of the Body of Christ so that I may then be the hands and feet of Christ, of Love, in this world. So there is some direction for me. But how do I do that here?

Over the past several years, I have come to believe that personal relationships are the most effective way for me to bring Love to others. So this should be easy then.

Not so much. In fact, I think my relationships with people here is a major reason why I’m feeling so discontent. I have not yet begun to develop personal relationships with the people here, and so I’m lacking opportunities to fulfill my mission of bringing Christ to others. Yes, it’s still early in the game; I’ve only been here for three months. But I know I’ve been holding back.

Back home, I love meeting and getting to know new people. But here, it’s proving to be more challenging. I’m finding I’m not as excited to meet and chat with someone, and I think it’s because I’m not as comfortable in those situations here. The culture here is different. The way people think and respond to things here is different. Even the way people speak English here is different. All of those differences make interacting with people much more difficult, and, in my three months here, I’ve simply limited my submersion into those difficulties. I’m realizing that, during my time here, I have effectively tip-toed around the challenge of developing personal relationships with people from a different culture. I thought that by simply being here I’d be forced to immerse myself in those types of relationship. Instead, I’m finding it much easier to dodge those situations than I thought it would be. I’m not embracing the challenges of the situation, and, as a result, I’m not receiving the benefits of doing so.

So am I glad I came here? Heck yes! I’m getting to see and explore a part of the world I probably would have never come to had I not made the decision to volunteer here. But is it all worth it? Well, it will depend on my willingness to step out of my comfort zone and embrace the challenges of developing relationships with people I might not fully understand—and I have yet to show that.